Did I Say “James Cameron”? I Meant “Clive Cussler.”


On Tuesday the Environmental Protection Agency issued a nationwide call for experts in a wide variety of fields to put their heads together and help solve the ongoing crisis in the Gulf of Mexico:

More than 20 scientists, engineers and technical experts attended the meeting, which also included representatives of the Energy Department, Coast Guard and National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration.

Other organizations represented at the gathering included the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute; Oceanographic Institute at Harbor Branch, Florida Atlantic University; University of California at Santa Barbara; Nuytco Research Limited; World Wildlife Fund; and the University of California at Berkeley.

The punch line to this bulletin from the Associated Press is as everyone knows the inclusion of James Cameron, the serially monogamous director of Aliens, Titanic, and Avatar and sometime king of the world.

This poor sod is wondering how James Cameron can save the world when he can't even get the make-up off the extras' faces.

I think it is terrific that the Obama administration is thinking outside the box to fix a spill that never needed to have taken place had the United States had anything approaching a sane energy policy. (The cornerstone of such a policy would of course be drilling full bore in ANWAR, where the costs to the environment inhabited by humans would be negligible and where no succulent shrimp or tasty redfish need sacrifice its life until it met up with my frying pan.)

I think it is terrific that the president, represented by his minions at the EPA, put out the APB for the KOTW, although I am deeply distressed by this tacit admission that the billions poured into the NSF is insufficient to fund the research necessary to finding a solution.

I think it is beyond terrific that to staunch the leak the president has turned to a poster-boy not only for exuberant capitalism, but for excessive, go-for-broke energy consumption. Who better to turn to than someone who needs those gushing gallons to fuel his Malibu lifestyle and produce his gargantuan budget films, second only to black holes in the energy they devour? Here’s a guy with a vested interest in seeing that oil hoovered up and recycled for his abundant, conspicuous consumption.

We've got to fix the leak. James Cameron's Malibu cottage needs the energy.

But just in case Director Cameron doesn’t come up with a solution that will finally enable our president to answer daughter Malia’s poignant question, I’ve got another suggestion for President Obama. It too is outside the box, but no more so than seeking advice from a tinsel town tinhorn. Why not call on the guys from NUMA?

Conspicuously absent from the devastation taking place in the Gulf of Mexico is the can-do team of Dirk Pitt, Al Giordino, Rudi Gunn, Hiram Yeager, St. Julien Perlmutter, and, of course, Admiral James Sandecker. Since 1979 these agents of the National Underwater and Agency have tackled cataclysmic disasters far worse than anything BP has dished up so far. From the icy waters of the North Atlantic to the Mediterranean to the Gulf of Mexico itself the NUMA crew has quietly, efficiently thwarted potential environmental apocalypses with nary a Golden Globe or an Oscar to show for their effort.

What’s that? What’s that you say? NUMA doesn’t exist. It’s but a figment of the magnificent imagination of writer Clive Cussler. No. That can’t be. You’re wrong. Next thing you’ll be trying to tell me is that there is no Pandora and that the President is on top of the disaster in the Gulf.

The self-effacing Dirk Pitt is camera-shy.

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17 thoughts on “Did I Say “James Cameron”? I Meant “Clive Cussler.”

  1. So why was Steve Zissou not invited? Or better yet they should be trying to channel Jacques Cousteau. And most outrageously of all why isn’t somebody from the University of Vermont there? They hand out more environmental degrees than anybody. There must be 1000s of recent grads who are both way environmentally sensitive and wicked smart.
    Too bad Irwin Allen and Lloyd Bridges are dead they could’ve been damn helpful.
    Lucky for us the calls weren’t wasted on places like MIT, RIT, Northeastern, or any of those other dumb engineering schools

  2. Miss:
    What a fruitful day for grist for your idea mill! Jason Vassell is a hero! Helen Thomas the crazed anti-semite! John “can you spare a quarter” Buonomo gets his pension back! And the stock market tanks just because the fed job numbers are phonier than a three dollar bill! It’s almost too much too choose from. I know you can find a way to thread all these remarkable people/events together!

  3. Dr. Zachary Smith is lost in space with the Robot. He could create a mess, but I doubt he could clean one up.

  4. If Dirk Pitt were involved he would confiscate the 3000 foot super-secret Nazi submarine that the Russians helped British petroleum steel 70 years ago, and use it to pull a 4000 year old Aztec pyramid off of a deep sea fault line near the Texas coast, to plug up the oil leek. The oil on the surface will then be absorbed by using a boat sponge invented by a team of kidnapped Princeton scientists trapped on B.P.’s $200,000,000 corporate yacht .

    • True. The “real” NUMA, to which is a link in the post, is a foundation that supports the underwater discovery and salvage of historic vessels. And while Father Cussler has indeed spawned many a Pitt, Austin, Cabrillo et al, they remain fictional creations, not flesh and blood. Dirk Cussler is a Pitt in name only.

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