Professor Gause Shakes His Tail Feather


Every day news about the dicey retirement years baby boomers are looking at becomes grimmer and grimmer, to the point where those Walmart greeters’ jobs and MacDonald’s drive-thru cashier positions seem like attractive options for a second career.

Not so for four-time “Professor of the Year” Gerald E. Gause, late of University of Florida’s College of Pharmacy. Recently retired from the rigors of facultyhood, Professor Gause began a new career by hanging out his “open for business” sign at Bivens Arm Park.

The park is a delightful refuge from the hustle and bustle of frenetic Gainsville. It’s a family-friendly place, where

wading birds, including great blue herons, little blue herons, cattle egrets, great egrets and snowy egrets can be seen. You will also see purple gallinules, common moorhens, and a variety of native turtles. You may hear barred owls or great horned owls, and in April and October you may see migratory songbirds such as hermit thrushes and American redstarts.

And now, at Bivens Arm Park, thanks to Professor Gause, not only can you watch, but you can also enjoy an interactive experience, all for a very modest fee. Law officers who stumbled onto the professor’s new parkside business were greeted by Gause, who “offered to perform a sex act…for $20 and then exposed himself and masturbated.”

Look at the Gause! Look at the Gause!

Look at the Gause! Look at the Gause!

I ask you: would you turn down the opportunity to watch a 73-year-old highly distinguished* academic wave his wienie in public? You might not, and I might not, but apparently at least one person did:

Gause told the officers his wife was too sick for sex and that he was seeking some relief, police reported.

So, all you academics out there wringing your hands when you log on to your TIAA-Cref account can rest easy about your golden years. Financially-wise anyway. You won’t need a post-retirement job, after all. But when your wife tells you she has a headache, you might want to consider your options more carefully than Professor Gause did.

We know Professor Gause is distinguished because he has a beard.

*We know the Professor is distinguished because he has a beard.

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