Archive for June, 2010

Most Definitely Not the Father of His Country

Each morning I wake up in the grip of fear, convinced that I’ll open the morning paper and find some new piece of information that will ratchet up my growing alarm that the fate of our nation is in the hands of a dangerous man. Every morning, it seems, the fear and alarm are justified.

On June 21, for example, a day late and a dollar short, President Obama said the following in his Father’s Day remarks to an audience at The Town Hall Education Arts & Recreation Campus (THEARC) in Washington:

Over the course of my life, I have been an attorney, I’ve been a professor, I’ve been a state senator, I’ve been a U.S. senator — and I currently am serving as President of the United States. But I can say without hesitation that the most challenging, most fulfilling, most important job I will have during my time on this Earth is to be Sasha and Malia’s dad.


Enjoy Frank, or fast-forward to 1:04 to hear an excerpt of the president’s speech sung by Ole Blue Eyes.

I looked and listened in vain for commentary about this shocking and revealing statement, and could find none. Contrast, if you will, the president’s admission with the self-sacrificing patriotism of General David Petraeus and of his family. The General answered the call of his commander-in-chief to assume command in Afghanistan and did so without hesitation or public tears for his wife and children. There is no doubt in my mind that the General cares as much about his son and daughter as the president cares about his offspring. But in a time of war, he went where is country needed him, an action that speaks louder than any of the president’s alleged “eloquence.”

Two fathers, one patriot

For a sitting President of the United States to state that “without hesitation that the most challenging, most fulfilling, most important job I will have during my time on this Earth” is something other than the presidency is appalling. The audience at THEARC, of course, applauded the president’s confession. One imagines the president’s handlers gleefully thinking a bit of emoting would play well in the approval polls, giving voters a chance to see that the president is a regular guy—a family man brimming with fatherly love and affection.

But that opportunistic interpretation is not my take on what the president said. What he said, quite simply, is that the presidency to which he was elected is of secondary importance to him. I don’t care how devoted a father President Obama is, if the United States of America is not his first priority he should not be its president. Period.

I do not deny that Sasha and Malia are fortunate to live in a two-parent family and to have a father who obviously loves them and cares about their welfare. I think it’s great. For them. There is a certain poignancy, too, in the fact that that their father provides them the stability and the knowledge that they are wanted his father could not be bothered to give him.

Much ink has been spilled about the president’s inscrutability. This is a foolish concern. Best to focus on what we do know; best to take the president at his word. Which in this instance is that rare case of the known being scarier than the unknown.

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Former VP of Administration Seeks Employment as Creative Writer; Highly Experienced!

As unemployment continues to hover around ten percent (if you are an optimist) or seventeen percent (if you are a realist), a job hunter might do well to ask herself if what she puts on her resume matters. Selling oneself in a buyer’s market is after all easier said than done, so when the rejection slips start piling up, or, as is the modern “human resources” response to applicants, the lack of rejection slips or indeed any notification whatsoever keeps her in-box empty, the huntress may wonder if she should burnish the arrows in her experiential quiver.

Padding a resume, or curriculum vitae as we in the academy call this autobiographical novella, is irresistible for a certain kind of would-be employee. Every conference attended, every membership on every committee, every letter written to the editor, every scrap of recognition earned since and including the perfect attendance ribbon at Sunday school is painstakingly recorded to document what a great hire the applicant would be. One is tempted to feel sympathy for a search committee charged with the soporific task of finding successful keepers amidst the losing weepers in the avalanche of enhanced resumes it receives for any given position, or to forgive the committee if in its puffery-induced somnolence it fails to assign a reject to its proper pile.

Such might be the case for the Texas A&M committee that recommended Alexander Kemos be hired as associate executive vice president for operations in February 2009. Mr. Kemos was quickly promoted to senior vice president for administration in March of that same year. Now, just a little over a year later, he’s in so tight with the president to whom he reports that the two are off vacationing together in Maine. Cozy. Or at least it was until Mr. Kemos abruptly resigned in order to fulfill an irresistible “desire to spend more time with his family.” So said A&M President R. Bowen Loftin.

Why the sudden familial urge? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the recent discovery that Mr. Kemos possessed neither the Master’s degree nor the Ph.D. in international relations he claimed to have earned from Tufts University. And I seriously doubt his need to have more quality time with his kids was in any way related to the other fabrication on his resume, his service as an elite Navy SEAL.

Alexander Kemos and his impressive resume.

At the time of his employment at Texas A&M, the faux Dr. Kemos must have seemed nothing short of dreamy. Supposedly fluent in Greek, Arabic and French, he must have looked like a quite a catch. His impressive academic credentials, moreover, probably had faculty members on the search committee squealing with delight. Clearly it did not occur to them to wonder why anyone genuinely in possession of the phony Dr.’s alleged bona fides would take—or want—a job that entailed ensuring the “management, oversight and strategic planning in areas such as facilities and operations, governmental affairs, athletics, transportation services, dining services, marketing and communications, and university advancement.”

But, then, again, perhaps search committee members truly believed that a Ph.D. in diplomacy was a requirement for the position, given its specifics: “engage the Office of the Executive Vice President for Operations into academic discussions related to construction, facilities, research, real estate and physical plant priorities, as well as maintain and build relationships with stakeholders across the University.” Anybody who has ever tried to have a rational discussion about office space with a faculty member knows that not only diplomatic skills but also the training a SEAL receives will come in handy.

You misunderstood when I said I was a trained seal!

The reports out of Texas do not make it clear if Mr. Kemos remains employed by Texas A&M, only that he is no longer its senior vice president. If he is indeed unemployed, I hope he has a pleasant summer with his family. Maybe he can squeeze in some “me time” to work on his resume.

In the meantime, for those among us who do not lie about our credentials, searching for a new job just got a little harder.

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A President Responds to the Crisis in the Golf


Dear Mr. President: It’s spelled with and “U” not an “O.” G-U-L-F not G-O-L-F. Have you no shame?

PS: You might also want to remind your Chief of Flatulence Rahm Emanuel 1) that if he wants to give advice about PR, perhaps he should look first to the 18th hole instead of the Isle of Wight and 2) that as usual, the members of your administrative cabal focus their attention on illusion rather than reality. BP’s PR is the last thing the staff should be worrying about.* Save a little concern for the oil workers your administration has callously thrown out of their jobs.

*Unless, of course, they are planning ahead for the next time they put the bite on BP for campaign contributions.

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Oh Captain, My Captain…Our Fearful Trip is Just Beginning

While the waves lapping against Louisiana’s shoreline bring with them sticky tar balls, the nation’s airwaves are also thick with the sludge of claims and counterclaims about the president’s response to the disastrous oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. All that leaking crude has ignited a firestorm of ugly accusations and addled rhetoric. This morning in the New York Times, for example, part-time columnist, full-time Obama hagiographer Charles Blow finally ran out of excuses for the impotence of Obama’s leadership during this crisis, so turned instead to—turned on, actually—the American people. Turns out, we, all of us, including maybe even those of us here illegally, are to blame, according to Blow. Americans are, he says “fickle and excitable, hotheaded and prone to overreaction, easily frightened and in constant need of reassurance.”

Hot-tempered Americans in search of presidential leadership.

That many are critical of the president’s myriad errors in judgment, which reflect the systemic failure of his administration, is nothing more than the “overreaction” of a bunch of wimpy, temperamental crybabies. If there is any accuracy at all to that characterization, I think it applies more to a single American—you know who—than to the American people.

I had my clock cleaned on another website earlier in the week when I hazarded my opinion that the administration was failing to meet its most basic responsibility: to provide for the common defense. Our waters and our land are imperiled by the leaking oil. Our country is in urgent need of defense from this chemical attack. That is the job of the federal government. And while it is true I favor limited government, I am a firm, enthusiastic supporter of the government fulfilling its promise to keep its citizens and homeland safe from external threats. There is nothing inconsistent in this point of view. One commenter called me an idiot, and another asked me if I expected the president to “put on his Superman suit and plug the whole himself.” This savvy writer went on to let me know that “Republicans clinging to their god, rifles, guns and bibles” made him “sick.” Good to know, but hardly relevant to me or what I wrote.

As I responded to savvy writer, no. I do not expect the president to don fancy dress. But the reality is that during this crisis Obama has changed his affect as often as the Sex and the City II gals change costumes. Just in the last few days he has tried on an unbecoming insolence and swagger, promising to “kick ass.” Before that he was way overdressed as the concerned father figure, dragging poor Malia into the fray and sonorously assuring us that children are our future so we owe them beaches that are tar-ball free. Before that, he played the busy executive, clad in an ill-fitting grey flannel suit, delegating here and there so that he could focus on the country’s most pressing problem, raising campaign funds for Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer.

The reality is that the catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico has terrifyingly documented that the administration has failed to learn the single most important lesson from the aftermath of 9/11: establish a unified command. While the president is busy shrieking like a woman scorned to “make BP pay,” thousands of unemployed folks—their joblessness as much a result of the insane decision to suspend offshore drilling as anything BP failed to do—are trying to find someone to help them. While the president panders to his union sugar daddies, offers of assistance from foreign vessels with the equipment and manpower to Hoover up the oil are ignored. Other offers are rejected because for every 5,000 gallons of oil a vessel vacuums from the Gulf, a couple of pints are returned, temporarily, to the water. While the president natters on about a future he admits he cannot envision, the rest of us wonder if any of his thoughts are focused on the clear and present danger that is staring the rest of us in the face.

Does this president have no sense of the magnitude of the disaster he is facing? Does he not understand that the soft-focus verdant future he longs for is endangered by his own fecklessness?

Why won't you let me help, Mr. President?

I don’t know the answer to the questions, but like savvy reader, I am sickened when I entertain the thought that the president, cool, calm and collected as he is, is not, in fact, letting this crisis go to waste.

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New England All-Stars: The Best of the Best College Presidents

Earlier this week news crossed my desk that yet another (former) Rocky Mountain College employee had filed a civil suit, for wrongful termination, harassment and intimidation, against embattled President Michael “Mug Shot” Mace. I filed the report, thinking I would use it eventually as the source for another post on Mace’s uniquely hands-on management style.

But even I have my limits. Enough with the bad (OK: alleged bad) apples, I thought. Surely there must be a few good college presidents.

Forget the good ones, there are some great ones. And I didn’t have to look too far to find them, for all of them call New England home. When I despair about the future of higher education, I think about the accomplishments of these gifted men and women and feel a renewed sense of optimism for future classes of undergraduates. Perhaps you will, too.

Lawrence Bacow, President, Tufts University, Medford, Massachusetts
. Larry Bacow assumed the presidency of Tufts in 2001, under circumstances that occasioned a bit of a dust-up: never once did he appear on campus for the ritual charade of meeting with faculty and students. The Tufts board conducted the presidential search in complete secrecy, and only at its conclusion did the trustees present Bacow, late of MIT, as fully empowered top dog. For a lesser candidate this could have meant at best a rocky start and at worst a short tenure. Last spring President Bacow announced that this, his tenth year at Tufts, would be his last, keeping a promise of sorts—“ten years feels about right”—he made early on in his administration.

That Tufts has flourished under this remarkable man is no surprise, for he possesses a wisdom that combines rigorous intellect with clear-headed analytics; judgment informed by standards that inspire and elevate; and an understanding kindness that animates his encounters with students and colleagues.

Tuft's mascot Jumbo lights up the room. So does President Bacow.

Two examples will give you a sense of this exemplary president. A couple of years after assuming the presidency, Bacow reported on the state of the university to the Tufts board of trustees. He went on to give the same presentation to various audiences within the Tufts community, eventually putting it all down in writing for the Tufts Magazine in an article entitled “A University Poised.”

From one perspective “A University Poised” is nothing special: it is easy to read, easy to understand. The language Bacow uses is unadorned by Latinate phrases or impenetrable, irrelevant rhetorical complexities. Nor is it larded with personal references to assure readers of Bacow’s smarts. In “A University Poised,” Bacow’s smarts simply are. And from this perspective, it is special indeed. For too many college presidents, the institutional motto becomes “C’est Moi.”

Then there is President Bacow’s kindly concern for students. The Boston Globe recently ran a story on Bacow’s policy of hauling students who have drunk themselves into a visit to the emergency room into his office for a stern talking-to. Even on precious liberal arts campuses far smaller than Tufts, such personal presidential attention to the disturbing, pandemic behavioral problem that campus drinking has become is rare. Hung-over students are usually left to residential staff or counselors to deal with best they can. Bacow’s up close and personal intervention with these students may not convince all of them to change their behavior, but it convinces many and has the even more far-reaching effect of empowering others on campus, including students, to speak up when observing such potentially disastrous conduct.

I hope Larry Bacow enjoys his retirement. But even more I hope that someone in Washington taps him for a big, big job. We should all be as lucky as the folks at Tufts.

Janet Eisner, SND, President, Emmanuel College, Boston, Massachusetts. Sister Janet first came on my radar back in the 1980’s, when as president of Emmanuel she was appointed to the Massachusetts Board of Regents of Higher Education. The regents, as a board, did not last too long in the roiling waters of Massachusetts politics, but Sister Janet was as steady a helmsman as any imperiled craft could hope for. Surrounded by political appointees whose grasp of even fundamental educational issues was flaccid, Sister Janet patiently explained the realities of life in the college classroom. As a young woman hoping to make a career of academic administration, I watched Sister Janet from the public peanut gallery and tried as hard as I could to learn from what she said and how she said it.

Sister Janet Eisner transformed Emmanuel from a fading regional haven for Catholic girls into a co-education college with a conscience. On top of that, she made a smart—really smart—deal with the college’s property holdings to give her institution a previously undreamt-of degree of financial security.

You don't have to be a saint to be a college president, but it sure helps if they're on your side.

This spring President Eisner celebrated her thirtieth year as Emmanuel’s CEO. For a less extraordinary woman and college president, I would say another thirty years is too much to ask for. But in Sister Janet’s case, I am not so sure.

Richard Freeland, President (Emeritus), Northeastern University, Boston, Massachusetts
. Richard (never “Dick,” never “Rich,” never “Rick”) Freeland was always the smartest guy in the room—and you didn’t even have to wait for him to tell you to know this was true. You knew it as soon as he started to talk. President Freeland acquired his administrative chops at the University of Massachusetts, where he was a whiz kid in the president’s office, then, eventually, dean of UMass Boston’s College of Arts and Sciences. From there he went south to City University in New York for a spell, returning triumphantly to Boston when in 1996 he was named president of Northeastern University. Somewhere during all of that administering, Freeland wrote the highly readable, meticulously researched Academia’s Golden Age: Universities in Massachusetts, 1945-1970, a tome that is well worth its $145 price tag.

The Northeastern Huskie: Go, Richard!

Richard Freeland is a planner. He believes in numbers, goals, and accountability. But even more than that, he believes in important ideas and the powerful, beneficial role the university can play in contemporary society. What makes him one of the all-time greatest university presidents, though, is his genius for putting plans into action.

Under his leadership, Northeastern was transformed from “that school where they have a co-op program and don’t let you live on campus,” to a university distinguished for the quality of its professional programs and partnerships with the City of Boston. Northeastern blossomed from a grotty architectural blight on the Green Line to an oasis of thoughtful urban design.

Too many college president botch strategic planning, either passing it on to unqualified underlings, or failing to marshal faculty talent and expertise, or simply talking about it but never getting around to doing it. Others make an earnest stab at planning but allow themselves to be foiled by inadequate budgets or unreasonable goals. A few are successful in carrying out their plans. President Freeland stands above them all.

Charles Longsworth, Adele Simmons, Gregory S. Prince, Jr., presidents emeriti, Hampshire College, Amherst, Massachusetts. This improbable trio (businessman, heiress, adventurer) presided over the infancy, childhood and adolescence of a precious liberal arts college of the kind that both delights and infuriates me. Hampshire wears its reputation as an offbeat, off-center institution proudly, and with justification. For just shy of forty years, it has offered students an educational experience unique in American higher education.

By rights, Hampshire shouldn’t exist: its highly individualized educational program, in which each student works with faculty committees of two or three for a solid year is incredibly labor intensive (aka incredibly expensive). Opening its doors in 1970, the college got underway just as the glory years of higher education, fueled by the GI Bill, the National Student Defense Loan Program and a sunny optimism that the baby boom would continue expanding national need for higher education, were coming to an end. Virtually all—as in every single one—of the financial assumptions on which Hampshire was predicated were proven to be untrue almost immediately. The place, examined by cold logic, should have closed before it opened. But it did not. The faculty who swarmed around its intoxicating ideas about pedagogy in turn drew classes of incredibly bright, intellectually ornery students. While they were off doing what teachers and learners do, it was left to Longsworth then Simmons then Prince to do the impossible.

And they did. Each experienced dark days of horrible student tragedies, unfair (perhaps) lampooning in the press, and always, always unrelenting lack of funds. Lesser presidents, those who believe the story of a college is told only by its balance sheets, could not have survived at Hampshire then. Lesser presidents would have performed the kind of budgetary cuts that allows them to declare the operation a success, even as the patient is moribund, sapped of its energy and spirit.

In the face of such daunting odds, and with other avenues open to them, Longsworth, Simmons and Prince chose the harder path of pressing on, feeling the fetid breath of debt ever at their backs, but always making it to the next payroll, always finding new resources or making due in some creative way. Is that any way to run a college? Of course not, and Chuck, Adele, and Greg would tell you that in unison. But they did what they had to do, also making personal financial sacrifices to work at a college that could not afford to pay them what they were worth.

It's not true that Greg Prince taught a class in alchemy...but he could have!

And for their sacrifices, Hampshire can boast of graduates who have won MacArthur Awards and served their country in the Foreign Service, the Marines, and the White House. Graduates who conduct transformational research on autism, artificial limbs, and other persistent health issues. Graduates who write achingly beautiful prose and poetry. Not bad for a young college, and very much a testament to the remarkable abilities of these three presidents to keep the lights on and the water running, even as others might have just handed the keys back to the bank.

So there you have it six—count ‘em, six—college presidents I admire without reservation. For those of you keeping score, that’s double the number whose leadership I have found wanting. Alas, I don’t think that score will remain so lopsided for long.

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My Town’s Boycott is Better than Your Town’s Boycott

As you may have gathered, I live in a company town. Three institutions of higher learning—two independent colleges and one large public university—draw thousands of students to my little burgh and employ thousands more of us townies.

Living in a college town has many perks, a fact real estate hustlers but a few short years ago exploited by marketing the laid-back life academical to gullible empty nesters. The pitch was short and sweet: live amongst faculty and students and you too will be immersed in a scholarly miasma of heady debate, controversial artistic endeavor, and exuberant youth with a thirst for knowledge.

As anyone who has observed the discarded beer cans after a weekend of youthful exuberance knows, those college kids are thirsting for more than book-learning. But don’t let a little detail like nightly noisy campus parties going strong at 1 a.m. deter you from living on the perimeter of a campus.

Hey! You didn't tell us about the keggers!

Those same real estate hucksters dreamed up a similar fantasy for land-rich, cash poor colleges looking for ways to spin hay fields into goldmines. Indeed, in the midst of the housing bubble, a new industry grew up, one in which a corporation had two branches, the first made up of impartial consultants who for a significant fee would conduct a market survey to see what interest was out there amongst the 55+ set for selling the family home and moving into new campus-side digs. The second arm of the corporation was—I see you are ahead of me here—developers of said digs.

More than one board of trustees grew intoxicated by market surveys that indicated Buster and Barbara Boomer’s eagerness to surround themselves with other on-the-go seniors and set up housekeeping in hastily constructed, densely populated condominium “communities.” More than one board of trustees was eager to unleash on their campuses a pride of cougars and a pack of horn dogs, if it meant that these marauding species kept the wolf from the college door.

The possibilities for rental income are endless, when you live in Collegetown USA!

Some of the more fatuous trustees were even coaxed into believing that such high-density housing, plunked down in a rural setting, was far kinder to the land than, say, a handful of single-family residences designed to preserve the bucolic, gentleman-farmer spirit of the neighborhood. But no, many a board bought hook, line and sinker the developer’s assurance that quick cash from a land-lease agreement and a continuing cash crop of rental payments was a green investment for all concerned.

The joys of country condo living in Collegetown USA.

That many of these developments are now stalled due to the caprices of the real estate market is a blessing in disguise for boomers and colleges alike. Maybe each will come to their senses, and realize that grown-ups (no matter how fervently they reject the nomenclature) and college students (of the pricy residential college variety) do not mix. They do not have the same intellectual interests. They do not have the same capacity for self-discovery. And they most emphatically do not have the same taste in adult beverages.

And the BEST part is, I can see the campus from my backyard!

But, I digress.

I admit that I am a boomer who lives across the street from a college; in fact, I once sold the school some of my acreage so that it could expand its developable holdings. But I held on to enough of my land so that there is a comfortable buffer between me and the undergraduates.

No buffer, though, can insulate a resident of an academic company town from the hi-jinks of its governing bodies. In a community such as mine, town meetings come to resemble nothing so much as faculty meetings on steroids. They are not for the faint of heart, and if you attend one, better be packing your Robert’s Rules along with the No-Doze.

Members of the Select Board, Collegetown USA

Town meeting time only rolls around once a year, though, and in between times the “select board” keeps my town safe from the dangers that lurk outside the comforting, cocooning certainty of its intellectual and moral superiority. In fact, back in the 1980’s when declaring this, that, and the other “nuclear-free zones” was all the rage, my town was among the first to jump on the bandwagon but presciently added a “reality-free” amendment to its no-nukes resolution.

I cannot tell you how well that humble amendment has served my town. Under its sheltering auspices we’ve been able to cancel high school performances of Leonard Bernstein’s ferociously racist musical West Side Story, roll out the welcome mat for sprung denizens of Guantanamo, direct the federal government to reduce military spending, impeach George Bush, and, most recently, ban town employees and representatives from conducting business with or traveling to entities and locations in Arizona.

The Arizona boycott also urges citizens and businesses within my town to do likewise. To comply with this suggestion, for the colleges and university that call my town home, this means true sacrifice: they will have to return donations from alumni who live in Arizona and cease asking them for additional gifts. The schools will not be able to send admissions recruiters to Arizona (a great place to find applicants who will beef up the institution’s diversity profile) or accept tuition dollars from current students who have the bad luck to be permanent residents of the state.

I’m sure these fine institutions of higher learning will find a way to cope with the loss of income. Maybe start charging a fee or two for all of those town-gown activities that give university towns such a great quality of life. Perhaps reduce the custodial staff that picks up the beer cans after a long night of parties. Maybe let the grass on the quad go uncut a little longer. Maybe decide not to make the payment in lieu of taxes that would otherwise have helped the town buy a new fire engine. Maybe even lease more land, this time to a strip-mall developer. The possibilities are endless!

So, all of you “active seniors” out there contemplating a move to Collegetown, USA: caveat emptor.

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Did I Say “James Cameron”? I Meant “Clive Cussler.”

On Tuesday the Environmental Protection Agency issued a nationwide call for experts in a wide variety of fields to put their heads together and help solve the ongoing crisis in the Gulf of Mexico:

More than 20 scientists, engineers and technical experts attended the meeting, which also included representatives of the Energy Department, Coast Guard and National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration.

Other organizations represented at the gathering included the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute; Oceanographic Institute at Harbor Branch, Florida Atlantic University; University of California at Santa Barbara; Nuytco Research Limited; World Wildlife Fund; and the University of California at Berkeley.

The punch line to this bulletin from the Associated Press is as everyone knows the inclusion of James Cameron, the serially monogamous director of Aliens, Titanic, and Avatar and sometime king of the world.

This poor sod is wondering how James Cameron can save the world when he can't even get the make-up off the extras' faces.

I think it is terrific that the Obama administration is thinking outside the box to fix a spill that never needed to have taken place had the United States had anything approaching a sane energy policy. (The cornerstone of such a policy would of course be drilling full bore in ANWAR, where the costs to the environment inhabited by humans would be negligible and where no succulent shrimp or tasty redfish need sacrifice its life until it met up with my frying pan.)

I think it is terrific that the president, represented by his minions at the EPA, put out the APB for the KOTW, although I am deeply distressed by this tacit admission that the billions poured into the NSF is insufficient to fund the research necessary to finding a solution.

I think it is beyond terrific that to staunch the leak the president has turned to a poster-boy not only for exuberant capitalism, but for excessive, go-for-broke energy consumption. Who better to turn to than someone who needs those gushing gallons to fuel his Malibu lifestyle and produce his gargantuan budget films, second only to black holes in the energy they devour? Here’s a guy with a vested interest in seeing that oil hoovered up and recycled for his abundant, conspicuous consumption.

We've got to fix the leak. James Cameron's Malibu cottage needs the energy.

But just in case Director Cameron doesn’t come up with a solution that will finally enable our president to answer daughter Malia’s poignant question, I’ve got another suggestion for President Obama. It too is outside the box, but no more so than seeking advice from a tinsel town tinhorn. Why not call on the guys from NUMA?

Conspicuously absent from the devastation taking place in the Gulf of Mexico is the can-do team of Dirk Pitt, Al Giordino, Rudi Gunn, Hiram Yeager, St. Julien Perlmutter, and, of course, Admiral James Sandecker. Since 1979 these agents of the National Underwater and Agency have tackled cataclysmic disasters far worse than anything BP has dished up so far. From the icy waters of the North Atlantic to the Mediterranean to the Gulf of Mexico itself the NUMA crew has quietly, efficiently thwarted potential environmental apocalypses with nary a Golden Globe or an Oscar to show for their effort.

What’s that? What’s that you say? NUMA doesn’t exist. It’s but a figment of the magnificent imagination of writer Clive Cussler. No. That can’t be. You’re wrong. Next thing you’ll be trying to tell me is that there is no Pandora and that the President is on top of the disaster in the Gulf.

The self-effacing Dirk Pitt is camera-shy.

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Al and Tipper Call it Quits: Single Ladies Clear Your Calendars!

Calling Maureen Dowd! Calling Maureen Dowd! A new age-appropriate man is on the meet ‘n mingle scene. No, I am not talking about the dreamy Karl Rove, who not too long ago divorced his wife. Nor the new-to-the-secondary-market heartthrob SC Governor Mark Sanford. Rumor has it he’s already spoken for, and by an insultingly younger woman, no less. No, I mean the double dreamy Al Gore. Today Al and Tipper, some forty years wed, have announced, via email, their separation.

As a single person it always perplexes me when old marrieds call it quits. Perhaps because I do not understand the marital relationship in the first place, it’s even harder for me to apprehend why couples who literally have seen each other’s dirty underwear, maybe even sniffed it too, would bother with the chaos divorce brings to their private lives and the lives of the people who love them. Ah well, not mine to wonder why.

What I do wonder is how Al will fill out his Match.com and eHarmony.com profiles. Well, actually, first I wonder what he won’t put there. Will he shave off a few years to appeal to, ahem, a broader demographic? Will he shave off a few pounds to attract more buff hotties? Will he discard recent photos posting instead those of his senatorial days to back up his claims? I can’t wait to find out.

Where is she? Where IS Miss Right?

Or maybe he’ll try a different dating site, perhaps PlanetEarthSingles.com, which is

Created by environmentalists, for environmentalists! This is a singles dating site designed for environmentally conscious, “green singles” to meet. It is much easier to be in a relationship with someone who recycles, conserves fuel and generally lives a “green lifestyle” that is mindful of our limited resources. Our members tend to be “conscious” in general and value a holistic, healthy lifestyle, buying locally grown, organic food (many are vegetarians and vegans), gardening, spiritual growth, conservation, sustainability, alternative power and doing what they can to help “cool the planet”. Our goal is to provide you with a conducive environment where you can meet like-minded / like-hearted people and, ideally, meet that ONE, special someone to share your life with!

Should Al decide to enter the green scene, he’ll be able to search national and international data bases. That international info will come in handy as he jets from one global hot spot to another. But suppose he meets that someone special? Will he then have yet another moral dilemma to struggle with: What if sparks fly? What if unbridled passions ignite a flame that refuses to be extinguished? What if the friction of two bodies joined in urgent congress heats up to the point that all thoughts of off-setting carbons fly out the window? All that steamy romance can’t possibly be good for a rapidly warming planet.

Hey, Al: Check out that can!

It’s too much to ask, I think, to expect Al to fly solo for the rest of his life just in order to prevent climate change. Especially when PlanetEarthSingles.com promises he can meet recycling women who are “’conscious.’” (And people tell me my standards are too high!)

If I were Al, I’d forget about the dating sites and remain true to the planet-lover’s creed: reduce, reuse, recycle. Think, Al. Think about your past. Miss Right is there, waiting patiently. Go on. Do it. Give Ali McGraw a call.

Where do I begin?

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Latest entry in “Where Are They Now?”

Justice has been served to both partners in the mom-pop crime wave that embezzled a cool $2.5 million from bastion of transparency and accountability Vassar College.

Amy Bishop: Countdown to Court

A judge in Huntsville, Alabama set a trial date of March 19, 2012 for former biology professor Amy Bishop, whose colleagues in the biology department watched in terror as she gunned down three faculty members and severely wounded others in 2009. The motive, apparently, was Bishop's denial of tenure at the University of Alabama, Huntsville.

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